Got Fight? Read online

  Friday morning I’ll get up and shed the last few pounds by throwing on the plastics and walking and running on the treadmill. If that doesn’t do the trick, I’ll keep the plastics on and lie down to sweat in my sleep.

  Once you make weight, it is very important to rehydrate yourself. I like to mix Pedialyte with regular water, not distilled. Just make sure you don’t drink beverages with high quantities of sugar or potassium because you’ll likely shit yourself in the ring. I would give you advice on what to do if you do happen to shit yourself in the ring, but thankfully this has not happened to me yet. I heard it happened to Tim Sylvia while fighting Assuerio Silva and to Kevin Randleman when fighting Renato Sobral. They might be able to give you some better advice; but I would think that if the fight wasn’t stopped, this could give one an advantage—I can’t imagine that a triangle choke, sunk in by a fellow with turd-soaked trunks, would be too pleasant for the recipient. It may be more important to find out the other side’s answer, what to do if you find yourself being the Shitee. Yeah, that might actually be more important.

  In addition to rehydrating yourself, you also want to pack your weight back on. Personally, my goal is to get back up to my normal weight of 220 pounds, and I accomplish this by eating sweet potatoes, wheat bread, and some easily digestible chicken. You want to stay away from superheavy food that is hard to digest, like burgers and fries. You made it this far, what’s one more day?

  The day of the fight you most likely won’t have much of an appetite, but it is important to eat some healthy food when you wake up, such as eggs, oatmeal, or some more of those damnable sweet potatoes. Although you want to stay heavy, you don’t want to overeat. When I fought Elvis Sinosic, I had a lot of weight to cut, and I took it off fairly easily. But I felt like utter shit afterward. I was weak and exhausted, and in an attempt to turn that feeling around and put the weight back on, I’d eat until I was sick and lie down. When I had enough energy to get back up, I’d go eat more. I managed to recoup my strength and even shoot up to 224 pounds, but there was a side effect. I went into the fight feeling like there was a cannonball in my stomach. Swear to God, I felt as if there were goldfish swimming around in there. I would have been better off stepping into the fight light.

  Another time when my weight cutting went terribly wrong was when I fought Hector Ramirez over in Ireland. I showed up three days before weigh-ins, and I weighed 226 pounds. Normally that would have been no sweat to cut (no pun intended—that’s just my comedic genius), but in Ireland they didn’t have distilled water. Also, all their foods were drenched in grease. If I ordered egg whites, they’d drench them in oil. If I ordered oatmeal, they’d give me this mashed stuff with sweet cream already in it. Delicious, but not a part of any diet I’ve heard of. If I had ordered a salad, I’m sure they would have soaked it for half an hour in a bucket of bacon grease. So when you cut weight, take context into account, as well as the little add-ons. Lettuce don’t automatically make something healthy, dipshit.

  If you’re not sure about how a certain weight-cutting diet will work for you, I recommend testing it out three or four months before a fight. If you still have your doubts, diet to be on the light side. With fans having paid their hard-earned buck to see you compete, the last thing you want to do is come in over.

  Wanna Go Pro? Start Packing

  A lot of people will tell you to travel to different gyms and train with as many fighters as possible, and I agree with this to a certain extent. It’s always beneficial to train with a new set of guys and learn new ideas. Although I’m based out of Vegas, I’ve traveled to train at AKA in California. However, once fighting has become your career, this is much harder to manage. When I go on the road now, I don’t have my strength coach, I don’t have my routine, I don’t have all the guys who are working for me to prepare me for my next fight. And, after getting fucked up by the fatty foods over in Ireland—which made it more difficult for me to make weight—I don’t even like traveling to fight. Too many, um, distractions. For me, the negatives just aren’t worth the rewards. Fighters like Randy Couture and Chuck Liddell, both of whom practically live on the road, can do it just fine, but they’ve both been in the business for more than a decade and are much more manly than me. My advice is that instead of traveling to train, you should move to a city where the training is prevalent, places like Los Angeles, San Diego, or Las Vegas. In Vegas, a ten-minute drive will take you to five different gyms. It’s the best of both worlds—you get to maintain your daily routine, yet still get introduced to new people and ideas. If you’re unwilling to move away from your hometown or leave your current job for the sake of getting the training you need, you should probably make MMA your hobby rather than your profession. Unfortunately, fighting takes commitment on all levels, plain and simple.

  A Profound Word on Nutrition

  Never scramble a can of tuna with egg whites because it will make your entire house smell like dead fish for at least a month. Your cats go crazy, your friends give you funny looks when they come over, and your girlfriend will be pissed. It’s just not a good idea.

  DICK IN A BOX

  by Adam Singer

  Advice for the Fat and Tremendously Out-of-Shape Fighter Who Has No Business Being in the Cage

  There are a lot of guys out there who want all the glory that goes along with being a fighter, but they’re too lazy to put in the hard work. If you happen to fall into this category, following the tips below will allow you to survive and possibly even triumph in the cage.

  1) Appearance is everything. A bald head and goatee will do wonders to intimidate your opponent. Add a tribal tattoo into the mix, and you’re pretty much guaranteed a victory.

  2) Block all punches with your forehead. Getting hit in the face really hurts and it screws up your appearance. Your head is much harder than your face.

  3) Throw nonstop overhand rights with your eyes closed. It’s not important to know where your punches are heading or even look at your target. Just swing for the fences. If you hit the referee, tell him that it was his fault for not getting out of the fucking way.

  4) Steroids, steroids, steroids. This magic elixir can replace all forms of training and will add to your intimidating appearance.

  5) Only fight in your hometown. Why? Your fans will cheer loudly enough that even a smart referee will think you won the fight. If the referees ignore the crowd’s zeal and rule for your opponent, you still may get a decent-size riot out of it.

  6) If all of the above tips fail, curl into the fetal position and beg for mercy.

  7) After the fight, instead of getting treated by the doctor backstage, walk around the crowd making excuses. To get the best response from the chicks, you should be wearing your fight trunks, have no shirt on, and still be covered in your own blood. A few weeks later, tell everyone you’re a UFC fighter.

  8) Forrest and Big John used to train and spar drunk all the time. They figured that if they were to get into a street fight, they’d most likely be drunk, and they wanted to be prepared.

  The Cage Is Your Home. You Too Good for Your Home?

  If you want to compete in mixed martial arts, it’s obvious that you need to develop fighting skills that you can use in the cage, but what’s less obvious and almost as important is to learn how to use the cage to increase your fighting ability.

  The first thing you must learn is how to maintain your bearings. Unlike square rings, the majority of cages are circular, making it easy to lose track of where you are. Instead of glancing at the surrounding chain link, which can sometimes be difficult to focus on, I’ll pay attention to the black line painted on the canvas a few feet in from the fence. If I’m facing the center of the cage and the line is directly underneath my feet, I know that the fence is right behind me. If I’m facing the center of the cage and the line is underneath my opponent’s feet, I know his back is near the fence. This is valuable information because the cage can work for you or against you.

  When your back is up against the fence
, one of your escape routes has been lost, making you more vulnerable to your opponent’s attacks. If your opponent’s back is up against the fence, he is vulnerable to your attacks. As a result, the goal in any fight is to cut angles using footwork to force your opponent to step to the outside of that black line. This might sound easy, but it’s often very difficult. To be effective, you must anticipate where your opponent wants to move and then move into that location before he does. When done properly, you can pretty easily steer him around the cage.

  Once you have your opponent backed up against the chain link, it can be difficult to keep him confined in one spot because of the lack of sharp corners, so it is important to seize the moment and either launch a combination or tie him up in the clinch and pin his back to the fence. If you choose the latter option, you have all sorts of offensive maneuvers at your disposal, such as dropping down to seize his legs or throwing close-range striking combinations. Because of his inability to retreat backward, your techniques will be more effective and powerful.

  The cage can also be used to your advantage when on the ground. When you’re in the top position, dragging your opponent over to the perimeter of the cage and then pinning his head up against the chain link allows you to seriously limit his mobility. Many, many fights were won this way in the early days, but in recent years fighters trapped on the bottom have become masters at walking their back up the fence to escape back to their feet. It is important to learn this technique, but you must be careful with it. When I used this walk-up technique in my fight with Hector Ramirez, he punched me in the side of my face, causing my ear to poke through the chain link on my way up. It hurt like a sumofabitz. So here’s a tip—don’t have big ears if you can help it.

  In addition to learning offensive maneuvers for when you push your opponent back into the fence, you must also learn defensive maneuvers for when he drives your back into the cage wall. The goal is to dive your arms underneath his arms before he can do the same to you. If you fail and he secures double underhooks, clasping his hands together behind your back will give him a body lock, which allows him to do all sorts of nasty stuff, such as picking you up and dropping you on your head. It’s obviously best to avoid this lock altogether, but is important to always be prepared for the worst-case scenario.

  When my back is up against the fence and my opponent secures a body lock, I’ll use a technique that Tito Ortiz showed to my old coach, Rory Singer. It’s called the back scratch because that’s exactly what you do—rub your back up and down the chain link. With your opponent’s hands clasped together in the small of your back, his knuckles grate painfully on the steel mesh, causing him to release his hold. If this doesn’t work and he picks you up to execute a takedown, you have a couple of options: 1) Allow him to succeed and then either work back to your feet using the cage wall or attempt to reverse your positioning using a sweep. 2) Grab onto the fence to prevent him from accomplishing his goal. Grabbing the fence is illegal in MMA, but if you know you have no chance of surviving if the fight gets brought to the ground, sometimes it’s your best option. The referee will often take a point away for breaking the rules, which is what happened when Tito grabbed the fence to prevent Rashad Evans from taking him down. When asked about the tactic after the fight, Tito said, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” I would have to agree with him. I would rather be known as a cheater than a loser. Seriously, I have this deep hatred for losing. If someone were to give me the option of failing at something or having my nuts crushed with a hammer, I would probably take the hammer…And yes, I did just say I’d do what Tito Ortiz did.

  Back to Basics

  (or, Save the Flashy Moves for Your Eighties Prom, Shabba Doo)

  For a couple of years I was working out with a personal trainer, and he had me doing all the hip new exercise regimens, such as core training, kettle bells, and resistance training with rubber bands. Although I got something from each workout, I came to the conclusion that too much of any one gimmick is not good. Most of the time, you’ll benefit a lot more by focusing on the basics. It’s okay to supplement the basics with kettle bells or band training, but you definitely want to develop your base through good old-fashioned lifting. It’s the same with fighting. Developing a mean spinning head kick and other flashy moves can certainly add to your fighting prowess, but you probably won’t get anywhere in fighting if that’s all you have in your arsenal. If you were forced to choose between flashy techniques and basic ones, always choose the basic ones. A good right cross will carry you a lot further in the Octagon than a crescent kick, just as a strong understanding of basic positioning will take you a lot further on the ground than a bunch of fancy submissions. Once you develop a strong foundation based on the basics, it’s okay to add some slick moves to your game. Just don’t base your game on those slick Bruce Lee moves.

  Repeat After Me: I Am Invincible

  When your opponent lands a hard punch to your face, do not shake your head in an attempt to clear the fuzziness away. This isn’t baseball and there is no pitch count. I don’t care how many bells are going off in your skull, shaking your head only tells your opponent “I’m hurt—please come hit me again.” You also don’t want to nod your head, which is a bad habit a lot of fighters pick up in the gym when sparring with friends. I used to do this all the time, but it only gives your opponent positive reinforcement. I don’t care how badly you’re hurt, you never want to give any tells. A perfect example of a guy who shows nothing in the ring is Wanderlei Silva (despite what you’re thinking, I don’t have a hard-on for Wandy—okay, okay, maybe I do). You could run the guy over with a dump truck, and he would pop back up and be like, “What, that’s all you got? Fucking pussy.” Fedor’s facial expressions are even better because it looks like he doesn’t even know he is in a fight.

  “Rudy, Rudy…”

  From inside the cage, there are two ways to win the crowd. The first way is to be one of the best fighters on the planet. I’m not talking about a good fighter—I’m talking about being one of the best, such as Anderson Silva. You have to look so good when you’re fighting that people think you’re not even trying. You have to look like you’re capable of so much more, but if you were to pull it out, you’d start killing fools left and right. People are fascinated with this type of fighter. Though he’s getting up there, Chuck Liddell had it for a while, but people forget fast.

  But if you’re not the supreme combatant with a crisp, smooth, and nearly unbelievable fight style that you can back up with the craftiness of a fox and catlike reflexes, don’t fall into the trap of putting cosmetics before skills. Just be more like me, which is a guy who seems to work for everything. Show expression and how hard you’re working in every movement. People get behind this type of fighter because you’re acknowledging you’re no better than they are—you’re like a blue-collar guy just trying harder. You’re a man of the people. You’re Rocky. In every fight you want to be the underdog. Remind people in interviews before the fight that you’re not a great athlete. You have to get them to invest emotions in you, which means being a likable, relatable-to person. Everywhere you go, you have to tell them that they have the prettiest women on the planet. You should also obey all their morals and local customs. For example, when in Alabama, you don’t want to make jokes about the wrongness of sleeping with one’s sister. They take offense at that.

  Ways Not to Win the Crowd

  1) Spit, urinate, or otherwise excrete upon them in any way. (Just trust me on this one.)

  2) Make any sort of insulting remarks about their weather, women, or food. However, if you can include derogatory remarks about all three in the same sentence, you get a pass. For example, you can say, “I think this shitty weather and crappy food breeds ugly-ass women because I’ve seen a few monsters walking around this backwater town.” If that backwater town happens to be a state capital, you get extra bonus points. This may not win the crowd, but you will win my heart, and maybe even a couple of seats at my next fight.


  3) Fight a foreign fighter in his country. If you agree to scrap Georges St. Pierre in Montreal or Michael Bisping in England, label yourself the retarded villain.

  4) Throw your jockstrap into the stands as though it’s memorabilia to fight over and cherish. If you do this and it wins crowd approval, cross that place off your “100 places to vacation” list.

  A Street Fight a Year Could Get You a Beer

  Street fighting—whether for a purse, turf, or pink slips (for you car douches)—is vastly different from fighting professionally in the ring or cage. For one, there are simply no rules on the street. Your opponent can kick you in the gonads, bite off your nose, try to tear off your ears, even defecate in his hand and throw a mud ball at you like a pissed-off howler monkey. If you try to fight like a gentleman and box by the Queensberry rules, there is a good chance your giblets will wind up in your throat. For this reason, my advice for street fighting is to tuck your head, put your hands up, and throw your fists as fast as you can from your chin to your opponent’s chin as you move forward. You never want to back away—always move forward. When you’ve closed the distance and can’t punch anymore, throw elbows. When you no longer have the room to throw elbows, deliver a series of head butts. This blind, fierce aggression is the best way to win a street fight, and I’m talking from experience…Oh shit, wait. I’ve lost a ton of street fights.

  It’s also important not to hesitate. Unless you’re a social retard, you know when a fight is about to go down. I’m not talking about someone coming up to you and delivering a verbal beat-down, because people do this all the time and, often, it never comes to blows. I’m talking about when a punk’s hands come up, his head drops, and he steps toward you with intent in his eyes. Instinctively, we all know what this means, but I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the victim just stand there with his hands down and take the blow. It was like they were trying to convince themselves that somehow their instincts were wrong and they weren’t just about to get punched in the face. In such a situation, you only have two choices—as the saying goes, fight or flight. If you decide to fight, do so hard and fast and without mercy. I’ve been in several scraps where I’ve tried to half fight my opponent, and it’s plain stupid for two reasons: it gives your opponent an opportunity to land some good shots and it delays the conclusion of the scrap, which increases your chances of getting hauled off to jail. Once a fight starts, it starts. Go in fast and hard, cause your damage, and then get the hell out of Dodge.